A broken heart never stops being broken

I feel like I was the worst person in the whole world. I have a boyfriend who loves me and all I feel the only thing I want right now is to be swollowed by the fucking Earth. I wanna disappear for a while and being alone without anybody around asking questions. What are you looking at? So, you are saying that avoiding situations doesn't help when someone has to deal with her feelings? Well... I'll take note. 
I think I'm not just the worst but also the most stupid human being who has ever stepped on this planet, all that just for keep stirring issues I shouldn't care about anymore. But here I am at 1am o'clock of a Saturday morning after stocked him. There's been months since the last time I had had this kind of behavior. I even almost didn't think about him, he didn't affected me. I though I had over it for good and the next I know is that I'm watching a match of the World League and I just can't stop thinking about him. Although all this matter started earlier today in the morning when I saw he was the first viewer of my Instagram story; and then when his mom wrote me by WhatsApp. And this is what it is and it is a shit, Federico. 'Cause I can't stop thinking about you and you don't even remember about my existence. And it isn't fair, you know? You left for four months, went to Spain and I had to knew it by Facebook. We didn't talk again since what happened and I swear I'm terrified about accidentally see you somewhere 'cause I feel I wouldn't be able to deal with that situation. I can bearly deal with it when your name comes up in any conversation. I have my head on fire thinking about what we could have been together. It's in flames each fucking time I think if I took the best decision, the right one. Over and over again. And I just can't stop it. ¿Should I had give you a second chance? You said you thought we could had had one. At the time I was so fucking in pain that I just needed you to go away. But now your name chases me like a fucking ghost and it is not nice, 'cause let's face it, it's all in my head. I can't stop wondering how are you, how is your life going, how was living in Spain, if you liked it, why you never texted me again, why didn't you go after me, why didn't you fight for me, why didn't you defended yourself. Why didn't you do anything. I refuse to believe you never care. It can't be true. But why, darling, why did you let me go so easily?
I changed a lot in this last three years. I'm not that naif girl anymore. And I wonder if you'll have changed too. And I wonder if I want so or not. I keep asking myself if this new me could be with that old or new you. If you had learned something. But a fucking second later I realize after an incredibly exhausting search I already have someone. I have a boyfriend. And he is amaizing, he's nice and kind... he really cares about me. He loves me and I love him too. My parents don't know (or like) him enough yet, but soon or later they'll see him as I do and they'll understand. I know they just want me to be happy. But still I'm not confortable with that situation at home 'cause every time we decide meet for lunch, for example, it's only stressing for me. And I don't know why it affects me that much but it does and I can't avoid it. That's why I wanna desappear. He deserves to be loved the way he loves me, and right now I don't know what was what changed in this last two months but I feel I can't be able to do it. I want to. I desesperately want to, but I can't. 'Cause there's this stupid idea on my mind that I can't let go.
Shit. I shouldn't even be analyzing this. And it seems to has an easy way out, oh girl why you just text him? But it is not so easily, 'cause I already did that in the past and it neeeever turn into anything good. What, you say this time could be different? Don't treat yourself, it's never different.
Fuuuck. Life was so much easier when I had no one with who share my life. Nobody to hurt. I miss that feeling, that strangely bright sadness. No one to blame but yourself. Causes and effects that only affected... you. And the worst of it it's that after all this scene I'll do nothing. I'll just go on with my life trying to hide how I feel; I'll still keep knowing nothing about his life, about if he misses me; and all this will have no value. But at least I said it, right? I can't belive the way shit burns inside you after so long. And you cry again as if it was the first time.
A broken heart never stops being broken. And there's no going back. You try to accepted it, mask your pain, and keep pretendig everything it's just fine.
P.S.: I'm so sorry babe. I'm so sorry.